Eating, Cheating, & The Ursula Strategy

A very close relative of mine has been married three times. I'll call him Vic. He's a well-degreed professional. His first wife had only high school diploma and no ambition whatsoever, not even to work. His mother warned them they'd have nothing to talk about, but this went unheeded.

The first wife might have kept her marriage intact, but laundry was always stacked up to the ceiling, dishes piled up in the sink, and dinner rarely ready when he arrived home from working long, hard days. This was amazing since she all she had to do was sit on her ass all day and watch their two young kids.




He encouraged her to take college classes or get a job if she was bored, but she declined. The worse part was that her weight doubled. She was five feet tall, and later almost looked to be five feet wide.

Ladies, when you start eating, they start cheating. Men can tolerate a lot of shit, but doubling your weight is a major betrayal of expectations. Cry and bitch all you want that there's no excuse for a man to cheat. Bullshit. You're cheating on him with food when food becomes your new lover.

I asked why he finally left her.

"I don't like to eff fat chicks," he said bluntly. "I can live in a pigsty and eat frozen dinners if I have to, but that's it."

A lot of men don't mind a little extra padding on a woman, and expect it after marriage. Morbid obesity is a whole 'nuther ballgame.

His second wife was sharp. She was also a professional and had plenty of opinions, and they'd often argue. For a lot of reasons, however, they broke up after over a decade. One was that she became extremely sensitive to the aging process - hers.

They were close in age, and the opposite sex paid them both a lot of attention. This slowed down for her after she turned 40, which is the typical experience for women. She had always been a flirtatious woman, mainly because she was insecure and needed constant reassurance of her attractiveness, but now hardly anyone was noticing.

He, on the other hand, still had plenty of women flirting with him, and many of them were in their 20s and 30s who could care less that he was married. She knew this because they worked at the same hospital.

This made her more insecure, then suspicious. In the past they would laugh at how others found them attractive. Now it wasn't funny because not many men were noticing her. She asked him if he were cheating.

Well, they both had histories of cheating on each other, and this is how they got started when he was married to his first wife. Each had strayed a during the marriage but forgave each other.



Of course he denied and lied; he wanted to stay married, and as he told me, he had cheated, but not that often.

"Well maybe you should stop," I said.

"Even when I have, she keeps accusing me of effing every woman in the building. My schlong ain't that great."

I had to laugh.

When trust is gone, love goes out the window and the spouse or lover out the door. They parted after two years of this, along with the increasing arguments over shit that didn't matter. I know because I'd see it at family gatherings or at their house when she just had to be right about everything. We could see him gradually pulling away emotionally long before she could.

Well, as they say, what goes around, comes around. This ain't true all the time, but was this time - for her.

She had been single when she flirted with him and coaxed him away from his first marriage gone bad. Now she was on the other side, and like nearly every woman I've ever provided therapy to, she couldn't understand how or why it happened to her.

Ladies, I'll warn you now. For some weird reason, men seem to get away with cheating and leaving their wives a lot more often than women, although they do get hit hard financially. Cheating is more socially acceptable for men, but they also have more social support, ie, their buddies are generally more forgiving (unless they're all highly religious) and they have less problem in finding an 'understanding' girlfriend more quickly. It ain't fair, but that's how it often goes.

We can blame this on fewer available men or Mother Nature and our socio-biology or whatevah, it just is. If you want a non-cheating man, you're more likely to get one if you're not involved with him when he's married or engaged. I don't count single guys with girlfriends. If they're single and only dating, chances are they're still looking. Or not looking at all and just enjoying their freedom from commitment and responsibility.

Vic's third wife, Patty, like the first one, has only a high school diploma and thin on conversation. When they were dating, I asked him why he wasn't bored.

"I don't care if she's not smart or educated," Vic said. "It's just not important to me. I'd rather she be a good companion."

Patty is the prettiest of the three, dresses well, is a great housekeeper, decorator, and cook. If she has opinions which disagree with his, she keeps them to herself. While she isn't stupid by a long shot, she's so devoid of education or interests outside of the strictly traditional, homemaker kind of feminine roles that she refuses to play board games or even name states beginning with the letter 'M'.

Her first husband was highly successful. I'm not sure why they broke up, but at the wedding of one of her children, Patty's ex-husband told my mother that she ruined his life.

She jumped from her ex to living with Vic in less than a month, which was easy since they had been messing around off and on for years while each was married. This is what her ex was referring to when he privately shared his anger with my mother.

If you look at or remember my Social Dating & Mating Chart from the first of these Hard Rock Love installments, Vic and Patty did a trade in.

Vic traded in his 2nd wife for slightly younger, much prettier wife who is there to serve him, not have lively debates or worry him to death if another woman looked at him.

She traded up - she ditched her successful 1st husband for more successful 2nd husband. Since she has little interest in learning about or discussing the world beyond home - which is what he wanted - the two were a match, as could be visualized on my Compatibility Chart.

Were it not for these two men, Patty would be living in a dive in a bad neighborhood. It took years for me to respect her, but I finally did - because she makes him happy.

She's a quiet person who was born poor. Her mother died young and she was raised by an abusive grandmother, and this tells us that many of her emotional and material needs went unmet as a child and teen. She was used to being dominated, and always craved a pretty home of her own.

Patty did the best with the hand fate dealt her. She took advantage of her beauty, developed a wonderful taste in fashion and decorating, and has been good wife to Vic in meeting his every need.

In return, Vic consistently treats her well and with respect, buys her anything he wants, and will stay married to her until death do they part.

I'll admit I was jealous of this for a long time, because me and my girlfriends played it by the book. Hell, I still resent that she did so little to end up with so much materially, although my soul would die if I had to live as a servant rather than an equal partner.

The Ursula Strategy worked well for her. That's what I call it, and the concept comes from the movie, The Little Mermaid. Ursula, an older, over-weight, hard-azzed witch offered a deal to the soft and young Little Mermaid.

Mermaid would have to give up her voice to the witch, and be ensured of getting her prince. This brief scene and song is fantastic in summing up Ursula's strategy, which has been used for eons by women:






Interestingly, my mother gave me the same basic advice, which went unheeded. She was from a very different generation. I came of age in my teens on the tail end of women's equality in all areas: sexuality, school, career, and financial independence. I believed I could have all, and so do many young women today.

Most of my girlfriends worked hard at self-improvement in education, career, and being honest and loyal in love relationships - and many of them, including myself, are still unmarried, and are either childless or have one child by birth or adoption.

Many of us - and by us I mean the kind of people likely to read blogs who are young, single, upwardly mobile and educated women, and particularly black women - like to think this is the key to a good life and attracting and keeping love, but it ain't.

Maybe you will and maybe you won't luck up and meet someone with the same mindset who can appreciate this, and preferably it will happen when you're young enough to have kids, if you want to have a family.

Don't buy the bull that you have plenty of time and can have a baby until your early 40s. Fertility drops slows down after age 30, and drops rapidly after age of 35.




The Little Mermaid got her voice back in the film, but she was willing to lose it to get her Prince - and did during that time. In the modern, feminist Disney version, however, he knew she was the one after he heard her sing. Real life isn't always this clean and tidy.

My relative Vic's third wife never got her voice, and he thinks she's happy. I see someone who looks anxious to please but otherwise comfortable with him and her life. If she began 'speaking up' and having strong opinions which disagreed with his, he'd probably become very unhappy. Then she'd be unhappy, and the marriage might be doomed.

There's a difference between love and comfort. We pick our strategies and make our choices. These always have consequences. This applies to women and men.

One choice I suggest to young women is to develop more charm, and to use a little less energy in being right all the damn time in conversations with dates and boyfriends.

I had to get older to see this flaw in myself and my girlfriends. Just because you're educated and have opinions doesn't mean you have to ram it down a man's throat. It's castrating to him on an emotional and intellectual level for them, because that's simply how they are.

All of my friends were as lovely as the Little Mermaid, but one bitter disappointment after the other turned some of them into Ursula's: women who grew bitter became ugly on the inside and some on the outside too. They have an breathtakingly low opinion of men.

You can spot them a mile away. Whether they're talking or writing, they spew out hate designed to make all men, except a few designated saints, look bad. They chose to be independent to an extreme and always right or obnoxiously superior - rather than compromise, have charm, and get love and orgasms from men.

At the same time, ladies, don't let a man castrate you of your voice unless your priority is a comfortable life, rather than one guided by genuine love and friendship with your lover or husband.

It's all about finding a balance.

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Hope you enjoyed this Hard Rocks Love #3, Eating, Cheating, And The Ursula Strategy, which is a 8-2008 reprint from my series.

No One Can Possibly Meet All Your Needs

No one can possibly meet all of your needs.

The reverse is true too. Above is what I call a Compatibility Needs Chart to help you understand why. Like the the Social Dating & Mating Chart in my article, Evolution Is A Bitch, I couldn't find one to convey this message on the Internet, so made up my own.

This one breaks down most of the basic needs people have, and it's useful to compare yours with someone you're interested in or involved with.

Think of this chart as a pie - but remember that the slices are never equal. For example, one section could be large and another very small. You can assess your own needs and also add your own slices, such as your parenting style if or when you have kids.

This is useful in comparing yours to a potential boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. Do the two of you have compatible needs and styles?


Emotional & Temperament Compatibility

As a couple, are the two of you comfortable with each others inborn and basic temperament?

Here are a few examples. Some people are stoic. They don't cry easily or are given to drama. Others are very expressive and wear their feelings on their sleeve. This may or may not work out, depending what the other person craves in a partner.

Some people are naturally quiet. They can spend an evening saying very little and prefer a quiet partner too. Others need lots of conversation, and are uncomfortable with silence. There are plenty of successful 'mixed' couples, however, and wouldn't have it any other way.

Some folks are spur of the moment. They'll pack a suitcase in a heartbeat and head for the beach or last minute invitation. Others need to plan and don't like quick and unexpected changes.



There are those who live for today and don't plan. They don't save money, their credit cards are smokin' hot, and they don't make long-term plans for career. They are entirely comfortable living like this. Others would never dream of this lifestyle and consider it dangerous. This type of couple often has a lot of conflict.


Visual Pleasure, Sex Drive, and Sexual Style in Bed

Never underestimate visual pleasure. Before we want something, except for the blind, we usually have to see it.



Some people have a need to maximize their appearance. They even want their pets to look good, like Rainbow Poodle above, or a muscled out Doberman dog named Killah. These folks look great most of the time, and often prefer this in a mate, but not always. Others are strictly casual, jeans and tee shirts, or even slobs, and dislike dressing up.

If one person needs their lover to have that certain look to light their fire, and their lover rarely satisfies the other's need for visual pleasure, they have a compatibility problem in this area, particularly if one was a certain way in the beginning, but slacked off as the relationship wore on.

Their lover is likely to feel betrayed if the other makes little or no effort to stay in shape, or the opposite situation where suddenly one gets in shape and starts dressing up. I'll have a whole article about couples who had that on their plate next week.




People vary in their sex drive. Some have an enormous sexual appetite. They literally cannot study, focus on their work or anything else until it is satisfied. This hits teens and the 20s crowd the hardest, and for many, is a contributing factor for low grades.

Blame Mother Nature disguised as our hormones, commanding us to seek a mate and reproduce. A strong sex drive is not evil, although the Puritanical streak in our culture paints it so, while the hedonistic side of our society will exploit it.

Some people have low sex drives and cannot understand why others or their partner is always ready to get naked and do the wild thing. They can go days, weeks, months, even years without having sex, or even masturbating.

As people age, they also tend to 'forget' what it felt like to be all juiced up all the time. Ask a woman in her mid to late 30s who is taking a fertility-inducing medication. If she's honest, she'll tell you she hasn't been this horny in 15 or more years.

Sexual style and compatibility in bed is important in determining compatibility. A lot of people love to do it off and on all night, every night, especially when they're young, while others are ready to quit way sooner and are content with getting laid once or twice a week.




Some people like the kind of sex you see in porn movies, where anything goes. Then there are those won't do oral sex, or only be on the receiving end. Others may reject sex toys, anal sex, threesomes, sex parties, etc. People have widely varying comfort levels in bed, and when one needs one type of sex that the other rejects, their pie charts ain't overlapping and they have problems in that section.


Need for Entertainment and/or Physical Activities

The couch potato with the athletic type who can't sit still and wants a partner to jog with or go camping, swimming, etc. runs the risk of becoming bored with one another.




This is true of the party animal paired up with someone who hates going out socially. Or sometimes, they share little in common with what they like to do for entertainment. One has to be dragged, kicking and screaming, to bowling events while the other will hide rather blow a day at a museum.

Nearly all couples have activities they like that the doesn't, but if they can't find a common ground of fun things to do together, that's less pleasure in the relationship and ultimately can hurt it.


Intellectual Interests, Curiosity and Humor

Some people discover after the sexual excitement has been satisfied that they have little to talk about, or if you do talk, your style of communication is so different that misunderstandings are common, and you may even accuse each other never meaning what they say or never saying what they mean.

Another indicator of compatibility is do the two of you laugh at the same things?




This is more important than you might think. A little laughter each day is a major stress reducer and can smooth over a lot of the hard times couples encounter. If one is annoyed at another's sense and style of humor, that's a wet blanket on the relationship.

Folks with widely different educational backgrounds find happiness all the time, and the key really isn't education but knowledgeability about issues the two think are important.




I believe that a well-rounded education benefits most people, but college isn't the only avenue to this.

Some of the smartest people you'll ever meet never got past high school but read the paper and learned a skill. There are folks out there selling cars and houses (before the economy nosed dived) who only have HS diplomas but the make a mint.

Aside from specific technical and professional information, you can learn more from keeping up with the world, national and local news, style, and sports section in a paper than in college. Many college kids graduate and don't know jack about the world or their profession beyond the textbooks.

Tip to college students: Take half hour a day to review the world and information related to your chosen profession. You'll have an advantage in job interviews, because you can drop names and trends in the conversation.

But let's look at 'smarts'. It isn't all that important to a lot of people, and they don't need, care or want to talk about a lot of worldly stuff. This can include black issues. They just want go to work, get paid, come home and relax and have fun when they can.




They might enjoy conversations about sports, celebrities, fashion, what so and so's been doing, or a hobby like music, gardening and fixing cars.

Doesn't mean their IQ is lower than the other person, although it could if there's an overall dullness about them. More likely is that they're tuned out to other conversations because they feel like they're not part of it ('it' being the system or world events), nor have any control or power over it, so why bother worrying about it?

Thus, if one person has a need for 'smart' discussions, i.e., intellectual stuff, and the other is bored to tears by this, their pie charts don't match up. After awhile, one usually gets bored or downright resentful if the other tries to change them.





Ambition and Economics

Traditionally, this was the man's role, to be ambitious enough to get a job and the best job possible. Black families, however, have always needed both partners to work, and now, most white American families have to, to pay the bills.




Women still have a strong bias against men who sit on their behinds eating cereal and playing video games all day (and if you can't tell, I'm one). Resentment often creeps in even if he's taking care of the baby while she works, if this goes on "too long". If the couple doesn't mind this arrangement, you can bet their family and friends have plenty to say about it.

Historically, people view men as not fulfilling their role as being the hunter or farmer and able to bring home dinner. He is often seen as low in the hierarchy or totem pole, and disposable since he's viewed as useless.

When men are doing fantastically well, most don't mind if their wife doesn't work, particularly if they have children. But what if she has a real career and doesn't want to stop working, and he hates his babies in daycare? Their values and expectations clash.


Spiritual and/or Religious

I'm not using the two words interchangeably. One can feel deeply spiritual and connected to God without ever setting foot in a church or attending only on holidays.

Some folks are not religious or spiritual. They not only don't need this in a partner, they don't want it. It's not a slice on their chart. Some may or may not care if it's on yours, as long as your don't force it on them.

Others need religion. They may be peripherally involved with church or attend regularly and play life by the Book in a very orthodox or even rigid way.




The biggest mistake a friend of mine made years ago was giving up a woman he really, truly loved because she couldn't agree to go to church with him every single Sunday. This is so important to him that he had to have this and no compromise of I'll go once a month could satisfy him.

Hardly anyone understood this, even her. He grieved for nearly a year over the loss of this relationship, and is still single.

Disagreement over religion and/or how to raise any children in terms of their spiritual or religious upbringing is also one of the top reasons couples break up.


In summary, we can have different styles and interests, and still have a successful relationship, but it's harder.

When you think of your past loves that failed, beyond the "he/she did me wrong", ask yourself how much overlapping there was on your mutual Compatibility Needs Chart.

And like the photo below, and despite who did what to who, was one of you like a cow trying to swim with a dolphin?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed this Hard Rocks Love #2, No One Can Possibly Meet All Your Needs, which is a reprint from my series.

~ Kit

Evolution Is A Bitch

Someone once said that the only true love in the world is the love of a dog for it's master, and the love of child by it's mother.

This isn't completely true, but may feel like it when love or something we think was love burns us and leaves us bitter.

Let's begin with this Dating & Marriage Pyramid diagram. I saw something like this back in social work school in the 80s, but couldn't find one on the web, so I did my own.
Click on the photo to enlarge.




Historically, the most successful men, and men in general, have more dating and mating choices since they run things.

Men at the top can marry anyone on their socio-economic, educational age level and downwards without criticism.


Our socio-biology at work:
Actor Ben Kingsley, 63, marries gorgeous Brazilian waitress, 34
Can you actually imagine the reverse happening?
Sure you can, but it rarely does.

If men at lower levels have charm, or the women in the group one step above have too few options, they can even move up a level. This is commonly seen after a war when many men have been killed, or in the ghetto warzones of our cities.

What these men can't do without getting some serious frowns is marrying a woman somewhat older than himself (like five or more years), or a significantly younger woman, and I mean significantly, as in, 60 marrying 20.

Like it or not, and complain and disagree with me all the hell you want, but the reverse is generally true for women.

For example, a 45 year old, well-paid professional man can date and wed a 25 year old file clerk. Folks might snicker but they'll also give him a pat on the back for getting that young stuff - unless she's categorized as a brainless slut after his money. Even then a lot folks will shrug.

I knew a bus driver through family of family who married a woman half his age. He loved young women in their 20s and made no apologies for it. He he owned a small house, worked hard, and drank beer after work but wasn't an alcoholic. I mention this because she was on crack and homeless. He told his friends he liked whores, but most of them already knew this.


This was good, because she was a prostitute. She looked so fine that his friends thought it was okay, at least until she ran his finances into the ground from rehabs that didn't work, and then she ran off with a dealer.

What's interesting is that she was at the bottom of pyramid, but because she was young and super-attractive, she had options despite her drug problems.

The only thing different about this couple and the Ben Kingsley example is that the young woman had serious drug problem that led her into the street life.

Otherwise Mother Nature ruled: an older, but still virile male, sought out a fertile female. We don't think of it this way because we ain't supposed to - it's unconscious - but it drives our behavior.

A 45 year old woman who dates and marries a man who is even ten years younger will be the butt of joke after joke, and folks will call her a fool to her behind her back and even to her face. They'll assume he's after her money, because why wouldn't he be dating women his own age or younger? If they're both professionals with money, people will still be suspicious of the motivations.

Aside from the bus driver example above, people generally assume that 45 year old guy marrying a 30 year old woman are lucky to find each other and are in love.


Evolution Is A Bitch

In the ever-serious mating game where the age old rule for all species is reproduce or become extinct, most of us have the same unconscious urges as our ancestors.

This rule is hard-wired into our brains. It is unconscious, and the reason that the sex drive is second only to the appetite for food. Even when we make conscious decisions to use birth control or not have children, the sex drive is still fueled by the this biological command of nature.

Evolution designed women to not be as physically strong or fast as men, and again, I'm speaking generalities, since we all know at least one woman who can beat a man senseless in a fight.

Pregnancy makes women more physically vulnerable. Historically, they needed men to protect them and the children, to hunt and fish and farm for the food.


As One, by WAK

Nature designed men with the muscle, speed and aggression to compete with other men, but also to help them to keep women safe from roving bands of other males who would rape and even kidnap them for their own village or tribe. This was true of every race and culture, and in some places, still is.



A pregnancy is a long term commitment for the female. She has the primary responsibility of raising that child. In the past 1/3 of a million years of mankind walking the earth, it was in her best interest to find a male who would be her man, and he needed to trust that she was the mother of his children.

For hundreds of thousands of years, life was brutal. Resources were thin. If the name of evolutionary game to reproduce, a male failed in this if he spent his energy and life providing for children he thought was his but weren't.

This is why virginity has always been a big deal in cultures that understood the connection between sex and pregnancy.

A woman needed a male with some kind of skill and was able to command at basic respect from other males, otherwise they might set him up and she and any children become vulnerable to starvation, abuse, etc.

Mother Nature hasn't caught up with our technological advances of the past century. People live to their 70s and above in Western nations, whereas in the past, you'd probably be dead by forty.

In particular, the past 40 years of reliable birth control and women not depending on men for income and protection has caused lots of confusion in the ways our brains are hardwired to date and mate.

For men, the unconscious drive is being attracted to healthy-looking women of child-bearing age, and to have sex. Lots of it, and the more the merrier, so he can spread his seed. It fuels his sexual behavior and applies even if he hates kids and uses condoms religiously.

It's also a reason why they cheat more often than women and get annoyed when she makes too big a deal about it - especially if they aren't married. He may say he's sorry, but he's really sorry he got caught, especially if the woman he really likes puts him on punani punishment.

From a strictly biological and evolutionary standpoint, it's a waste of energy and time for a fertile human being to mate with an infertile human being. Women who appear to be past 40 years old or so, and men in their 60s fall into this group.

Thank God we are more than animals and aren't enslaved to our primal urges. We have the capacity to be companions and enjoy sex well into our old age.

In terms of dating, however, look around and see who gets asked out and who doesn't, then look at the age the women and men who get the parts in movies, videos, and commercials.

The name of the game is fertility and virility, and this is hardly new, although it's a helluva lot more exploited because it mirrors the human heart and sells products.

Here's a funny snippet from my life. At about 13, my daughter could pass for 15 or 16 because she's tall and shapely. That year, she came home where my nephew and I were sitting on the couch.

"I can't believe it," she pouted. "Every time I walk down the street now, a bunch of guys blow their horns at me, even when they're driving on the other side of the street!"

I said, "That used to happen to me all the time too! It still does...

"Huh?"

"...but now they're blowing their horns for me to move out the way..."

We all cracked up laughing. Why? Because there's truth in humor. Ain't a soul my age looking my way, and even then, chances are there's a 35 year old woman standing behind me.

I'm used to it. It's life, and I had my fun. With a lot of luck, maybe I'll have some more fun with neat guy my age or older before I qualify as the crypt-keeper.


Me, in about 25 years

As you see, he'll need a sense of humor.

But back to guys. A whole bunch of 'em will lie about their feelings to get sex 'cause unlike most of us, they'll willingly wander to our neighborhood where they know they'll get jumped if seen by the haters if this means getting laid. Men start wars over pussy, so that one would lie with a simple, I love you, too is grade school stuff for them.

When they do fall in love, however, it's usually unexpected and they fall hard. They'll fight to get it if they want it bad enough, and they'll fight to keep it.

Young girls can be shameless in exploiting this. I was one. This unconscious twist of the mind can catch you off guard. One memorable incident was when I was 18 or 19 and had a boyfriend in his mid-20s. I don't remember what these three big-azzed brothas in a car said to me when my man and I where getting out of a car, but I started shit. The driver was ready to get out. My 5'9" boyfriend quickly walked over to him. and laid his hand on the guy's shoulder before he could open his door.

"We don't have a problem," boyfriend growled. "She's young, so let's just let it go and ignore this."




The guy shrugged his hand away. "Just don't touch me again and we'll be fine," he growled back.

Boyfriend was mad as hell at me and bitched all the way in the house that in a three against one fight, he'd have been in trouble, while I giggled like an idiot.

"I'm so proud of you! You weren't even scared! Let's do it!"

Off came my clothes and he was rewarded for being an alpha dog.

I often think I should've married that man. He was not only brave, smart, and could handle himself well with other men, but he could put up with my stupidity and primal need to test him. You'd think he'd dump me for some mess like this. Instead he wanted to marry me.

For better or worse, I bought into my father's propaganda that I was too young for this and had to get an edu-ma-cation. I chickened out and ran off to college.

*shakes head at parental cock-blocking that has ruined many a relationship*

For women, the unconscious goal is to find a male on her pyramid level or higher to call her own. Her challenge is to win him over with the idea that loving and committing to her is in his best interests.

Women as a group are correct about this. Humanity would have never survived if all men refused to settle down and make a commitment to their family.

A hit it and quit it attitude about sex would have led to our extinction. The children would have starved to death, because we were hunter-gatherers long before there was women's equality in the workplace and social safety nets for unmarried women with children or orphans.

We see nature's dating and mating game getting played out, over and over, and Mother Nature doesn't give a hoot if it makes us unhappy.

"Men ain't shit. They just want one thing."

"Women are all gold-diggers."

There's truth to this, but both sexes lie to get what they think they need and want.

Women lie with their appearance. Butt-naked, most of us don't look much like we do when we're all dressed up with our makeup and hair fixed pretty and our nails done and smelling sweet and inviting.

The ladies also lie about the number of sex partners they've had (if they have good sense) because intuitively they hear the drumbeat from hundreds of thousands of years ago that most men don't trust or want women who have a lot of "mileage."




Men lie about their wealth and skills until they actually get it. Even boys figure out early that the girls don't want no broke azz brotha who can't do jack. This is true in the 'hood or the white suburbs. The guys either work on their game or front like they have one.




Both sexes have a sense that love is great, but disappointments in relationships often bring about deep sorrow and bitterness.

In these times, the financially unsuccessful guy is the extremely vulnerable in love relationships. We all know what the ladies say about him:

He's too poor... uneducated... works a crap job... doesn't have a car... it's too embarrassing, my friends will think I'm crazy if I get serious about him!

While men get hurt over their lack of earning power and material possessions, women get penalized for this and more:

She's not pretty enough... got kids... too fat... not young enough... is more educated than me... makes more money than me... it's too embarrassing, my friends will laugh and I'll look bad!

Or in general for both sexes:

He or she is the wrong class, color, religion... not smart enough or too smart... I met him/her in da club so I can't get serious 'cause you know what they say about that... They live too far away and it's a three or four hour drive so it's probably not worth the energy, gas and time...

What are they really talking about? The pyramid.


How The Dating-Marriage Pyramid Affects Black Women

A lot of sistas have it a harder than women of other races. When you look at the pyramid above, it's easy to understand why. Social conditions that are oppressive to blacks hit black males the hardest. I don't need to go into all this because you already know what they are.

The result is that fewer black males make it to the upper half of the pyramid and many don't even make it to the second layer from the bottom. This presents a real problem for the black professional woman with a college degree and good income.

The men who are born into or climb to level 2 or 3 (or rarely, 4), have of options of dating a wide variety of women outside of his race.

While people say black women should date non-black men as a solution, white men who do date outside of their race often have an ABB approach: anything but black. It not offensive to me because I think people should date whoever they want, but as black woman, it used to be painful when I'd see this on dating sites.

Thus, each time a black man 'defects', that's one less brotha in the available pool for black women.

In an equal dating situation, a woman could recover a little faster from an relationship gone bad and could find a new man quickly, you know, like in high school. But it's not equal as black folks become young adults. A lot of men don't finish school, are poor, employed or unemployed, go off to war, die there or in the 'hood, get locked up in droves from laws stacked against them, decide they're gay, get strung out on drugs... the list is long and sad, so getting dumped hurts longer because it takes longer to find a new mate.

With the excess number of black men to black women and an option for dating whites and Latinos, guys can be much more casual about dating.

They can also take their time since the biological clock for child-bearing is on their side.

I have a one boring male friend from college. He's a successful writer, and even that's boring. The dummy even votes Republican, plus he's cheap. This is why we never evolved beyond platonic study friends in college. We chat once a year for old times sake.

Anyway, he and his wife split, and this man, who would put God to sleep, has a horde of women wanting to go out with him. If he had been born a she, ain't no way in heaven or hell so many dating opportunities would be available. He's not the least bit interested in steady relationship and marriage is out of the question. There are quite a few older guys out there just like him.

Ladies, you don't have that luxury to blow time with someone like him if you're seriously interested having a child, or even if you only want husband. For most women, the older you get, the fewer options you have.




There are so many women out there wanting male companionship and sex that quite a few men no longer play the pretend game of saying they love you when they really mean they love to be with you.

I actually respect this. It beats the hell out being deceived by another or yourself. If you can't handle the truth, stay the hell away from them. If you're not sure, ask. Your job is to find out the difference and what he really means if you're serious.

This suggestion applies to men too - especially the ones on the lower level of the social class pyramid but dating up. A lot of these women will wear your dick out and toss you and your heart out the second someone in their class or above comes along.

Back to the ladies. Like it or not, most men don't tie sex with commitment or love to sex, at least not in the beginning. I'm speaking generalities here, folks, so don't get pissy about it, and it ain't my fault.

In my view, this doesn't make men morally inferior or make women morally superior. It just is. It's seen in every culture, which suggests the root is biology. Men love to be loved, but when it comes to sex, for the majority, it's not a necessary ingredient for a good time, particularly when they're young.

There are lots of women who feel the same way, and I've been there myself, but in general, women get attached more easily when they've found a guy they like.

When men get attached, they're more likely to go nuts when their woman leaves them. This is easily found in crime statistics, and I'm pretty certain they show up in actual suicide statistics too. They're also more likely to leave their woman if she cheats on them with another man. Most can't get past it. God knows women grieve hard over this too, but they're much more like to forgive and stay, at least the first time... or two... or ten... or one hundred.

Statistics and pyramids aside, a lot of things equal out once a couple is in a loving relationship, but even then, as Stevie Wonder sings in the song below, All Is Fair In Love.





At least this is how Mother Nature sees it.

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This 7/29/2008 article was written by me, and is a reprint from my other blog.