Friday, May 14, 2010

Guest Post:
Let's Talk About That Dating Thang

This is my first guest post from Black Girl In Maine. She's very to the point, has tons of common sense, and is one of my favorite bloggers. Enjoy.

This one is for the single ladies; actually it’s more for the single Mamas. I have had a few of my regular reader’s request that I write about dating as a single Mama, since I did meet and marry the Spousal Unit when I was a single mama. I started dating the Spousal Unit when elder boy was 3, elder boy is now 18 and he considers him every much his child as he does the girl child. Elder boy sees the Spousal Unit as his Dad, for him he had two Papas.

I have been asked time and time again, how did you do it? Well I will be honest it was probably a different world dating wise than what many of ya’ll are dealing with now. For starters, cell phones were only just coming on line and there damn sure wasn’t any texting. Back when the Spousal Unit and I started dating, we had what the ole folks used to call a courtship, was no giving up the panties on the first date! We talked on the phone a lot, after all as a single Mama planning dates took time and he did not get to meet the boy in any significant way until we had already professed our love for one another.

My Mom and Granny were my guides in the ways of men. After all both of them ended up being married well over 25 years and in both cases the marriages ended because death came first. So for me I am big believer in the old saw don’t let a bald headed man teach you about growing hair, in this case don’t let a woman with no partner tell you about getting one.

I must confess that every time I hear or see women talking about what they need in a man, gainfully employed, good looks, educated, no baby Mamas, his own place, ambitious, etc…I cringe.

Truthfully that sounds good but in the day to day world of real relationships most of that is not really important. After all you can have a man with all those things but should you fuck around and get sick, I am talking cancer or hell even a surgery like I had what can or will he do for you? A highly paid ambitious man may lack the ability to put you first.

If you are a single Mama, will that highly paid ambitious man be there for you and your child? You might be asking what do you mean be there for me. I mean if you were sick, would he cook for you? Clean for you? Shave your hair when it falls out in clumps yet still see the beauty in you when let’s face it you look like Skeletor. Will he still desire you when you are covered in bandages and can barely wipe your ass, hell will he wipe your ass for you?

I know some of ya’ll might be laughing but when you looking for a partner this is the shit you ought to be thinking of. I am not saying settle either but so much of what we think we must have in a man is not what we need or what we may truly even want. A kind, compassionate, empathetic man who is gainfully employed and earns enough to live yet has your back, supports yours goals, loves your kids and is an active partner in the relationship might be better than mister super fine with the high paying gig.

When the babies come will he be up at night with you, changing diapers while you nurse the baby? Or will he roll the fuck over and put a blanket over his head? Truthfully being highly paid, ambitious and educated can generally only take you so far. How many of us know folks with so called educations who really are not that bright and are not curious at all about the world. What good is some fancy letters after his name if he does not engage in the world? If the only news he cares about is the Sunday game?

Now I have already told you when it comes to dating I am old fashioned, what that means is on a date he pays. Now I know some of ya’ll might disagree but it says something to me if the man can’t be bothered to pay, regardless of what you may think. Just because he buys you a meal does not mean you owe him a damn thing. But if you are looking for a man, then let a man be a man and for men that means taking care of shit. Men speak in a language where if they are liking you they generally want to do something for you, this can be as simple as fixing shit, buying you a meal, you get the point. Back when I was a single gal a man that expected me to pay was immediately put in the friend category.

Speaking of categories, what is up with all this friends with benefits shit? Look, you want a man you can’t be free fucking. I have it on good authority from some men that I trust that they won’t ever turn down sex in most cases, but if you are running over to his place sharing your scared space with him because he called at 10 pm, you are not relationship material in his eyes. If after the deed is done he can’t even be bothered to offer you a plate of food, glass of water you really don’t matter much to him. Giving up sex thinking it will lead to a relationship is faulty thinking, and I don’t care what year it is. On the other hand if you want to hit high notes and get your toes curled by all means go for it. But if he is not inviting you to meet his boys or the family, you have been warned.

Listen up, when you meet a man and he is reasonably attractive in some way and he asks you out, say yes and place no expectations on the date. I have said before I did not want to go out with the Spousal Unit when he asked me out, he was so not my type. Long story short, I ended up going out on that first date and we closed the damn restaurant down just talking. I had no expectations and in 5-6 hours we talked about so much and he was the perfect gentlemen, taking me home and not so much even trying to kiss me. Fifteen years later I am still with him. Like I said, I had no expectations and here we are.

As for dating with kids, it’s a fine line but say you do meet “that” man and the early dates are good, you cannot introduce your kids to the mix to early. By all means talk about your kids but don’t bring them along and by all means do not try to be an instant family. I have seen so many women fall into that trap and it’s not good. I say don’t introduce the kids to the man until you have a sense of whether this man is really going to be around. In the years I was single, my son only met 2 of the men I dated, and one of em is now the Spousal Unit.

I also think its important for the man to see that you are a Mama though and how you do that is by making it clear your babies come first. No last minute pawning the kids off on someone to get together with him. He is checking you out trying to see what kind of Mama you are and if he is really feeling you he is already thinking about what kind of Mom you may be to the kids you and he may have together.

Now I will add that I am amazed when I hear about folks dating men who text them and don’t call, technology may change but if a man can’t pick up the phone I see that as a bad thing, Unless he is over in Iraq I would think in the early stages of courtship you want to talk to the man. How else are you going to get to know one another? Think about it, texts and emails are fine and they have a place, hell I use em both to relay information to the Spousal Unit but as a tool for getting to know someone? I gotta say no to that.

So that’s it, just some of my random thoughts on dating.


Readers, wasn't this great? Please share your experiences and thoughts below.


  1. This is some good, sound advice. It's possible to have a love life when you have kids, but too many people let new folks around their children too early. The tragedy that occurred with Jennifer Hudson's sister & nephew really hurt my heart, because that kind of crazy doesn't just pop up one day. It's even more important to be careful when you don't have just yourself to worry about.

  2. I think in this day and age a woman should pay up some of the time, because I don't want the man to think that I am looking for a meal ticket. It is the pleasure of his company or nothing and the same back. I neither need nor want a keeper. I want a partner. I can carry my end of the log and he needs to as well.

  3. You bring up some things not many women want to think about. I cosign 100% with this post, and will add that if a man is "too busy" to see you when you're on your period or down with the flu every single time, it is not a good indicator.

  4. "don’t let a woman with no partner tell you about getting one"

    BONG! Lights out, game-set-match!

    You know what, Mrs. Maine, that makes too much sense to be true, right? I mean, ladies that are not doing that are in the majority (from reading ahh, chick blogs *smile), so that advise must be right, right?. I mean, it seems like the women that search for the truth, from the right source are in the minority, so they must be wrong, right?

    "I must confess that every time I hear or see women talking about what they need in a man, gainfully employed, good looks, educated, no baby Mamas, his own place, ambitious, etc…I cringe"

    Old lawd, I'm cringing with you. In fact, I am turning the station because that guy might be to good to be real. I mean, all those things are possible, but inside those lofty characterisics is a whole package. Like you said, and implied, where is compassion, honesty, trust, modesty, humbleness, family values etc,.

    I've visited a few "lady chat blog" and usually I leave shaking my head. When I saw the title to this post, there was no way I was going to read this. But I thought Kit wouldn't be part of some mess, so here I is.

    But back the the other blog. When I commented in the fashion of this post, (don't listen to the suggestions/advice of a women that doesn't have a man or never had a lasting relationship), you would have thought I used the big B word. One comment said "there's nothing wrong with "Internet mentors". well, until a person show me theirs, I am hesitant to show them mine.

    Good post. I would give you an "A", but then you might think you've arrived *smile*. But then again, I am just a nobody, trying to tell somebody, what's on my mind.

    Hello Kit *waving*

    Did I wait long enough? *smirk*

  5. Carey, *waving back & smirking too*
    You're cracking me up. Thanks for checking out this blog and showing BGIM some luv.

    Celie, I too find that how someone relates to you in times of 'sexual inconvenience' or outright illness shows the measure of their love.

    Maybe So Maybe No, Yes, BGIM consistently has sound advice.

    Lady Cracker, First, what's up with that user name? I'm thinking that unless your folks own a cracker company, it's offensive on a black blog.

    As for your endorsing a woman always paying half on everything "for the pleasure of [a man's] company", unless the relationship is strictly platonic, I think he's either cheap or she's getting played, or both. Probably both.

  6. Thanks for the love. Kit has been reading my blog for a while and knows I am a straight shooter. I'm ole school, I may live in Maine but I am a sista from Chicago with southern roots. Also when it comes to matters of love, well first love I ever saw was between my parents. They were together 33 years married 31 until my Mama left this planet. I saw what love and marraige was all about.

    Problem is too many of us especially those of us under 40 (granted I will be cross that line soon) grew up and never saw what a marriage looked like. So some of us may need some "internet mentors" (what the heck?) but I say unless they tell you about their love life and they got a man, beware of what they say.

    Lady Cracker, I agree with Kit. But I will say it again, a man who likes you and feeling you will want to do for you. Its a simple as that. Now when I was dating the Spousal Unit 15 years ago, occasionally I would buy him a coffee or something but by and large he paid and had no issues. As he told me, he liked being able to be a man.

    Celie, you are right. A man who feels you will want to see you no matter what. I spent so much time just talking to my hubby long before I knew he was the one. Hell, that's how I was able to figure out he was the one.

    Maybesomaybeno, agreed. You can have a dating life as a single Mama but you have to take it slow. I dated my now husband a good 6-8 mos before he ever met my son. Our dates happened when my son was away on the weekends; even when they did meet we were not playing at being a insta family. It takes time.

  7. Hey I love the lessons here they should be obvious to us but the lust and the daydreams make s forget to look for the things that matter. Thanks so much.

  8. This was a good post. I had this same convo today with my cousin. She always picks the wrong kind of nigga and she asked me what is it about her that attracts this type of dude. Well we had a lengthy conversation and I hope she listened because she is a damn good woman, she just needs to stop fucking with little man-boys and let a real man find her. But that is easier said than done. Anyways again, good post.


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